Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.