“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Mouse