“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
sin harder.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
stop
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*