“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Breaking news:
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Spring cleaning checklist…
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news