@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

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@MiddleageM

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

@PinkCamoTO

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@mikescollins

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

@CulturedRuffian

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’