Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea