“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?