Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?