“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I know this now 😂