“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
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I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?