“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
This meal prepping shit is easy
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
mood
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon