*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING