Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

*puts cutlery down*

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.