. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
starting a garage orchestra
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me after 1 airport cocktail: