“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING