“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I鈥檓 still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
It was worth a shot 馃槀
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what鈥檚 wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That鈥檚 how I learned it
#Dadlife
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i鈥檒l admit you were right
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we鈥檇 look like IDIOTS.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that鈥檚 probably because it was fried by a chicken
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Pikachu found the lost joint
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
2022: I can fix it
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It鈥檚 about 25 different Batman鈥檚.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.