You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Simple enough.
![]()
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Growing up was a huge mistake
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.![]()
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..