“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground