“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
me irl
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
this is me
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Legend 🤣🤣
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.