Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.