“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
#JohnTravolta
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Air conditioning – not a fan
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere