can I use a minion as a tampon
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If you know, you know
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade