Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Yes, this is exactly right
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind