Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
The biggest mystery of our time
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.