Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

one of

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.