can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro