Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk