I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero