can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.