Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
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If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE