Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?