Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
this is uni
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire