Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

And bowling should be called pinball

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

We need to put an American base on the sun

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.