can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
You Might Also Like
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“OMGJK” -atheists
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.