Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win