Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Before & after 😅
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
🤣✨#caturday
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.