Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
B