“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
December birthdays be like…
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.