Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.