Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
You Might Also Like
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
my nickname in college
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.