-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.