“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?