Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
2023 was just a warmup
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.