“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Blew my mind.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Fiction has to make sense.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.