Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
You Might Also Like
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.