“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Sunday
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.