“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
You Might Also Like
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
A short story of betrayal:
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos