Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”