Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
You Might Also Like
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here鈥檚 how to spread them
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
We鈥檙e intellectual opposites.
You鈥檙e intellectual and I鈥檓 opposite.
I鈥檓 very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
鉂わ笍馃
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it鈥檚 dating the director
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess