Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
crochet youtube is brutal
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Doggies just call it style.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.