Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.