Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, thatâs an option?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
âsorry i went off topic hahaâ -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Why is it called an exorcistâs holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
đŻđ
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Why doesnât my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for âbiology teacher rambling on about photosynthesisâ in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
Iâd pay extra for that one.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
DATE: Letâs go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I donât have a place. I’m homeless.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.